Coincidence? Providential?
- Apr 17, 2024
- 20 min read
Updated: Mar 28
What would you say if I told you that I believe there are no such things as coincidences? Well, stay tuned and it will become clear why…
February/2022
About Ralph…
As told by Patti McBride
The best way to introduce Ralph is through an excerpt from my daughter Erin’s Facebook post of February 12, 2022:
‘Ralph came into my life, kinda like a song we all know. Like a wrecking ball. And that’s how he handled life. He was loud, he was opinionated… he was loyal. If he called you friend, there was nothing he wouldn’t do for you. As many know, he had come down with Covid in October (2021) and battled hard. He’d been out of the hospital for about 3 months when he started sliding backwards. In the end, he just couldn’t fight anymore, and he passed away yesterday. (February 11, 2022) He was only 42 years old. Please hug your loved ones a little tighter for me, ok?’
It was sometime in 2016 that I met Ralph. Like so many couples these days, Erin and Ralph met online and were together for about five years. I had not heard the term before meeting Ralph, but with red hair and a red beard, he was known as a ginger. I don’t know if that meant anything, but he was quite the character; sometimes endearing; sometimes not. Something else you should know is that Ralph was a helper. As was noted above: ‘If he called you friend, there was nothing he wouldn’t do for you.’ Ralph helped me around the house many times. I remember once when I needed a filing cabinet moved out of the garage into my house office closet. There were three two-drawer metal cabinets pushed together against the wall. “Which one?” He asked. “The one in the middle,” I replied. When he reached for the designated cabinet, I said, “Wait Ralph, it’s still full!” Not hesitating; and with one seemingly single movement, he reached over the cabinet lengthwise with one hand at the back, the other at the front pulling it out and lifting it up between the other two. “Open the Door!” He said with some intensity. Which I did! Immediately! I think he carried it down the hall without a break and deposited it into the office closet per my request. Did I tell you he was as strong as a mule? Or is that strong as an ox and stubborn as a mule? Well, whichever way it is, he was both of them! Then there was an instance one summer that a big packrat picked my front porch to die and then explode. Eww!! Eww!! I must have been still gagging when I called Ralph to come to my assistance. He didn’t hesitate. Arriving, he disposed of the source attributing to the offending aroma and thereby earning my forever gratitude.
Maybe it was because of those early, early morning hours working in desert construction that Ralph was able to fall asleep anywhere as evidenced in the photos courtesy of friends & family.
“A Three Chair Nap”
“Decorating the Christmas Tree”
“Test Driving Lounge Chair"
“A Beached Ralph”
Before we go any further, you must know that this narrative, except for Erin’s Facebook post, is written almost entirely from my perspective. It’s also important to note that up to this point of having known Ralph for two plus years, we hadn’t had a single so-called religious discussion. The only time God had been mentioned was family dinners at my house because I say grace. However, on this one particular night, it was going to be different…
It was late in the afternoon when Erin called to ask if I could close the frame shop. She had a bad headache and wanted to go home. Of course I went right down. She had already left when I saw she had forgotten her tote bag. So, after closing the store, I drove it over to her house. She answered the door, holding her head in her hands. She thanked me but said that I really didn’t have to bring it as she wouldn’t need it at home. Then squinting through her pain, she looked beyond me to the street saying, “There’s Ralph.” He was driving his big work truck past the house to turn around for a better angle to pull into Erin’s driveway. Knowing that the driveway was barely wide enough for two vehicles and too short to accommodate more than one car length, I hustled to jump into my car to move it out of the way. But by the time I got in and looked around, Ralph had already pulled in alongside with no problem. There we were… Me, behind the wheel of my car on the left side of the driveway, Ralph in his truck on the right. Using the power window switch on the driver’s door, I rolled down the passenger window to say hello…
It was after howdy dos and generalities, Ralph still in his truck, me in the car (Erin had already gone back inside), when the tone of the conversation changed. I’m not sure what Ralph said, but when someone says something that happened was an accident or a coincidence, my usual response is, and as I did say softly, “Ralph, I don’t believe in accidents”. It was as if a door opened. Out of the blue, Ralph expressed his concern and regret that his loved ones were not going to be in heaven. I was shocked and almost speechless! There are times when writing I have to paraphrase some conversations carefully so as not to distort the events, but to keep the story line going. Not this time! Word for word, this is exactly what was said. Still seated in my car, it was through the open passenger window and across the front seat that I said incredulously, ‘Ralph, do you believe in Jesus?’ He had not moved in his truck when he said firmly, ‘Yes, I do.’ Me, in my same incredulous tone, ‘Do you believe He died for your sins?’ Without hesitation Ralph replied, ‘Yes, I do.’ Wow! I didn’t see that one coming! I couldn’t believe It! The next words out of my mouth that I can’t swear to, but I’m pretty sure I said, “How did that happen?” He said, “Well, there was this girl…”
He went on to say that in high school he liked this girl and wanted to date her, but she was religious. She went to church, so he went to church. He never dated her. But there, instead, he found the Lord. I knew Ralph had grown up in Moses Lake, Washington. It’s kinda “funny” that many, many years before moving to Southern California, our family lived there during my 5th through 7th grades. I also knew his years growing up were extremely difficult, and the family was so broken that the church had become his family. He had been deeply involved with the youth groups when after a few years something happened within the church, and it split. Ralph was devastated. He walked away from church, but not from God. Subsequently, he tried to kindle an interest in Jesus with others, but it never worked out for him.
There was always an undercurrent struggle with alcohol which compounded over the years. He would have severe drinking bouts, disappearing for periods of time that strained relationships. It was during one of his disappearings that I texted Ralph a link to Zach Williams and Dolly Parton’s then new release “There Was Jesus”. His response was: ‘It is sad, but good.’ Mine was: ‘Glad you liked it. I’m emailing you the lyrics link. That way you get ALL the words.’ It was during this time frame that I heard from Erin that Ralph told her if she watched the movie “Hector and the Search For Happiness” it would give her an understanding of what he was about. I don’t think she saw it, but my next text to Ralph (June 10, 2020), a week after the “There Was Jesus” text was as follows:
‘So (Ralph), I watched “Hector and the Search for Happiness”. It was well written and had an interesting premise, but as you know happiness can be very illusive and fleeting. You might consider renewing your relationship with Jesus. If you get straight with Him, you might find peace, a lasting peace on which you can build a foundation for that happiness. Since you already know Him, now would be a good time to get started. Something I took away from that movie was a line from the tumor lady on the airplane who said, “Listening is loving.” My driveway is always open… I’m praying for you Ralph.’
Our conversation ended when he received a text. He smiled, “It’s Erin, she wants to know where her headache medicine is.” It was understandable, particularly since the reason he had been gone originally was to get it, and our pre-ordained “accident” conversation must have lasted at least 30-45 minutes, or maybe it seemed to be that long. Our driveway talk was followed by months with no further reference of having such a heavy discussion. Oh, occasionally Ralph might allude to the “something” we shared, but that was it. I just kept praying for an opportunity to pick up where we left off. It came unexpectedly when my brother Steve and sister-in-law Cindy were visiting from Canada for a couple of weeks. As the three of us are close, there wasn’t much time available that we weren’t doing stuff together. However, there was an instance when the two of them went off hiking and I had stayed back at the house. It was then that Erin sent Ralph over to my house with something to drop off for me. I asked if he wanted to come in, to which he replied he would and sat down in one of the rocking chairs. We talked for a while about nothing in particular until he thought he should be going. As we headed towards the door, I saw a flyer I had made for one of my Singspiration Sing-Alongs. “Here Ralph, maybe you’d like to come.” ‘Well, there’s no one else who would want to go,’ he replied. But then, he asked about a song he said they used to sing in church. “What was the name?” I asked. He couldn’t remember but said, ‘It’s in the hymnal.’ Well, that made me smile, only about 500 pages in ours. “Uh…I’m going to need a little more than that. So, what’s it about?” He thought for a moment then said, “There was a man who put his family on this ship that sank in the ocean.” “I know the one. I’ll sing it for you.” I don’t need much, but that music just “happened” to be lying on the music stand. It was when I sat down to play that I realized Ralph followed me to the piano. I can still see him as he leaned into the curve of my baby grand to listen while I sang… ‘When peace like a river attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, “It is with my soul.” Just that first verse and the refrain repeated, “It is well with my soul. It is well, it is well with my soul.” (TEXT: Horatio G. Spafford / MUSIC: Phillip Bliss)
‘Yeah…That’s it.’
To Everything There is a Season…
The days after February 11, 2022, for Erin were spent with notifications, dealing with arrangements and the aftermath of Ralph’s death. There were to be two memorials. The one in Tucson was scheduled in ten days; the other in Moses Lake, WA would be in about three weeks. It fell to Erin to put together the memorial services. As her sister Shelby put it, “Erin did the words, I did the pictures.” It was at my house that Erin worked out the eulogy and Shelby put together a video from the myriads of photos sent by Ralph’s family. Occasionally Erin might ask me for input, but it was so important that any request would come from her. There was also this voice in my head that kept saying not to interject anything that hadn’t come from Erin first. I was very surprised and pleased when she asked if I would say an opening prayer, then asked later to do a closing prayer. She knew that I would want to share some thoughts about Ralph. I’m not sure of her exact words, but she said something like it would save time if after the opening prayer, I could tell how I knew Ralph and that thing we shared. Due to a prior conversation, Erin was aware of our driveway exchange and so, my only request was if I could read some scripture. She looked directly at me and asked, “What scripture?” To which I replied: “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1. Relaxing, she said, “Oh okay, I know that one.” It was the one that her Uncle Steve read at her dad’s 2008 Memorial and the same that her Aunt Cindy read when we buried her dad’s ashes at the new Marana Cemetery three years later.
The shock of Ralph’s dying was compounded by the spiritual reality of what God had already laid heavy on my heart. There had been many times since Tad’s death on September 3, 2008, that I had sung Christian songs that carried deep meaning, but this would be my first (ever) spoken God directed testimony. I knew that it was up to me to speak about the night of the driveway pre-ordained “accident”. I prayed a lot during those days leading up to the memorial. It had to be done right; not preachy, but truthful and with just enough conviction to get the point across.
March 4, 2022, Adair’s Funeral Chapel in Tucson was packed…almost standing room only. I’ll try to give you an idea of some of the folks I remember in attendance: From the hometown of Moses Lake, WA was Ralph’s mother, his sister, a nephew, and his long-time, growing-up buddies and their families. There were Ralph’s friends from Tucson, Erin, and her friends and family. Ralph worked as a supervisor for a company that scheduled and provided skilled labor to the mines and other industries. It was clear the company valued Ralph by the considerations that were extended from the result of his passing. In addition, if any of Ralph’s co-workers had wanted to attend his memorial, they were given the afternoon off. Adair’s back wall was lined with at least a couple dozen of them.
The opening prayer was one of welcome, gratitude… and the perfect lead-in to how I knew Ralph. I began with when he had single-handedly moved the full two-drawer metal file cabinet out of my garage into my home office and followed with how he saved me from having to deal with the smell of an exploded packrat. Next came the conversation of the pre-ordained driveway “accident”. It can be difficult to speak of such deep and personal things, but with God’s help, it came easily to tell about when Ralph said something that had happened was an accident, and how it triggered my soft response that I didn’t believe in accidents. As that was all I said, I was most surprised when suddenly and out of the blue came Ralph’s fervent concern that his loved ones were not going to be in heaven. Then came the part that I could swear to: ‘Ralph, do you believe in Jesus?’ To which he had replied firmly, ‘Yes, I do.’ And that my next words were: ‘Do you believe He died for your sins?’ Again, Ralph had affirmed, ‘Yes, I do.’ To this day, I still can’t believe it! It was amazing! No doubt there! In closing, I sang the song Ralph had requested of me long ago and the one he remembered hearing while in the Moses Lake church. The first verse and chorus of “It Is Well With My Soul” said it all…
Erin had done a great job with the eulogy. Oh yes, there were tears, but she handled herself well. She didn’t “Gild the lily”, nor did she lay waste to his reputation, but she was engaging, forthright and honest. Blending it all together with humor that gave those gathered a reason to remember him well.
(Please note that within the following paragraphs there are sections of full and partial sentences printed in underlined bold italics. These are from my friend Amanda who filled in the blanks I left for her input and expertise.)
If I could quote again from Erin’s Facebook post: ‘If he called you friend, there was nothing he wouldn’t do for you.’ was evident by the many who spoke about the kindnesses received from Ralph and how he had helped them in different ways. As Ralph’s stepson played the bass drum, Ralph endeared himself to those in the Marana HS Marching Band by wrangling the auxiliary-that is, heavy percussion instruments, flags, podiums for the drum majors, water jugs, and other band equipment. He would load the equipment trailer, drive it to wherever they were to perform and unload. After the football game or marching competition was over, he loaded it all into the trailer, driving it back to the school to unload. At Ralph’s memorial the Marana HS marching band was represented by almost a whole pew full of former trumpet players, one clarinetist and their parents.
Amanda, who goes to my church, had met Ralph previously from when she played her French horn for one of my “God Bless America” Singspiration Sing A-Longs. It was afterwards when I introduced her to the rest of the family that Amanda and Ralph were trying to figure out how they already knew each other. Finally, they put it together… When Ralph was helping with the band equipment, Amanda was the Marana HS Marching Band Assistant Director!
As Amanda was going to be at Ralph’s memorial, I asked if she would play something. “What do you want?” To which I replied, “Anything upbeat”. Her choice of “I’ll Fly Away” was perfect! This is where I tell you Amanda plays the French horn professionally. In addition, I’ll “toot her own horn” to let you know that when a famous traveling Broadway show was in town, she successfully auditioned and won the orchestra’s French Horn position. Now you can fully appreciate the following story Amanda shared with us after Ralph’s memorial. Amanda arrived early that morning to the memorial so she could “warm-up”, run through the song and get a feel for the room. However, just as she was getting ready to actually play, she realized she had not emptied her horn of condensation, which forms in brass or woodwind instruments after the player’s warm air blows against the cold instrument. Musicians typically empty this condensation before performing to avoid a “popcorn” type of noise from water droplets formed inside the instrument. She had to make a choice…either look bad (but ensure a good sound!) by turning her back to the audience as she removed a tuning slide to clear the condensation or look good by staying on the stage and pressing on without emptying the horn (but risk sounding bad!) There was no hesitation, turning her back to pick up her instrument, she quickly emptied the condensation, then proceeded to play “I’ll Fly Away” with the rich warm tones that comes from a clean and well played French horn. It was an unintentional, but humorous moment for both Amanda and the audience. Ralph would have laughed!
Of course, the memorial video was a big hit, and its introduction was probably the reason for Erin’s onslaught of tears. Coming off the platform, she joined me on the front pew in great need of a tissue. It was for this that I was furiously digging through my tote bag when my Bible, which had not been out of the tote that day, now seemed to have almost jumped out of the bag. It must have been because of my aggressive rooting around looking for a tissue that had dislodged it… which was surprising as it is a very old Bible. :) It was then I realized I had forgotten to read the scripture after the opening prayer per the program. Oh well, in retrospect, Ecclesiastes 3:1 was better read at the end with the closing prayer. “To everything there is a season…
…and a time to every purpose under heaven.
So… a question before we continue: Have you noticed or have you been counting the number of “accidents” so far? Just wondering…
Ralph’s Moses Lake memorial was scheduled for Saturday, March 26, 2022. Ralph’s mom asked Erin if she could come and repeat the eulogy as it was in Tucson. To which, she agreed. I would have made plans to go with her, but a few months previously I had bought tickets planning to be in Canada during that time. I was to stay with Steve and Cindy at Moberly Lake, B.C. to work on my website.
On Sunday, March13th I was scheduled to sing with the CDO Bible Church praise team. There was a 7:30 a.m. rehearsal and run-through to be followed by the 9:30 and 11:00 sanctuary services. In addition to singing the selected songs, there was a program note that ‘Patti prays’ after the first two. I had no indication of what was going to happen during that first service. It was just after we sang the second song that Amanda, who was running lights, was able to describe later what she saw in those following moments. Per the rehearsal plan it was time for ‘Patti to pray.’ As Amanda turned the spotlight on me… There was nothing; no sound from me… The next few seconds of silence were almost at that uncomfortable point, when Joseph, the worship pastor, realized something wasn’t right, and filled in with a prayer. By the time he finished, I was okay for the rest of that service and the next one. Amanda said it looked as if there had been a kind of miscommunication between Joseph and me and it was probably only those who had been at the morning’s rehearsal that would have noticed. Of course, it was the only service that was live streamed… I’m still not sure what “that” was, because I hadn’t experienced anything like it before or since. The previous Monday I had an appointment with my eye doctor who started me on a new eye drops prescription. I re-read the drug info pamphlet which stated a possible side effect of some confusion or momentary mental lapse. I called my eye doctor who verified that it was possible, but not in his experience. It was enough for me. I stopped the drops and cancelled my fight to Canada. There was no way I would take an international flight and go through an international airport alone. “That” opened the way to accompany Erin to Ralph’s Moses Lake memorial at the end of the following week. (Are you counting?)
Erin and I flew into Spokane, WA on Friday, March 25th where we rented a car to drive to Moses Lake. I had cousins that still live there and had graciously invited me to stay with them. Dropping me off, Erin drove on to nearby Ephrata to stay with some of Ralph’s friends. The memorial was to be the next day, Saturday at 11:00a.m. at the local Legion Hall. We were not too sure what the atmosphere would be like because there was a bar attached to the dining hall. Erin was a little concerned that I might be somewhat uncomfortable. I was thinking, surely with a start time of 11:00 a.m. there shouldn’t be any issues.
With cousins coming in from Yakima to visit, we took the occasion for a family get-together. The Moses Lake resident cousins had a beautiful four-bedroom, four-bath Airbnb retreat nestled in a small development of custom homes. The large lots afforded space for a kind of irregular pond that was bordered with reeds and cattails. The house was beautifully furnished with a wooden deck just off the kitchen. I had a lovely room to myself with its own suite, but I will admit to being still a little unsettled about the memorial. I’m sure it was because I was going to repeat the opening prayer, the retelling of how I knew Ralph and that thing we shared. Stir in the concerned fact that I’d be laying this out before people I’d never met, and I was pretty sure they didn’t know this side of Ralph.
That night we had a cousin catching up, a wonderful dinner, and a great time together. I had decided to put off the possibility of any anxiety due to the next day by planning to get up early in the morning before the rest of the family, take a shower, throw on a robe, make a single serve cup of coffee, grab my Bible with the “Our Daily Bread” devotional, and hopefully catch the sunrise from the deck.
It was a good plan, and I had no trouble waking up at 5:00 a.m., but when I turned on the shower things went a bit sideways… Seems the water that morning had two temperatures - cold and colder. No problem, I could take what we used to call a spit bath. As I remembered seeing a guest box of Dove, my brand of body soap by the sink, I picked up a washcloth and towel. I was set until I saw the illustration on the soap box… a lovely drawing of a cucumber growing on a vine. There are only two things that I really don’t like to eat - watermelon and cucumbers. It didn’t take me long to find another flavor of body wash. No way was I going to go through the day smelling like a cucumber!
Well, at least I knew where the coffee machine was and how it worked. No one else was up. It was a quiet morning just before sunrise when I went into the kitchen to push the coffee machine’s magic button. I had put on my robe, gathered up my Bible and the daily devotional. With coffee mug in hand, but still unsettled, I opened the door and stepped out onto the deck… I was looking to the west across the nearby pond to the outcropping of reeds and cattails. Heavy dark grey rainclouds were still hanging around when suddenly from behind and over my shoulder, Sunrise came through like a laser shooting through the clouds while illuminating the glory before me! Immediately and just overhead, geese came flying in low, loudly proclaiming their arrival to the morning. Any anxiety, any unsettledness fell away to be replaced by the peace that can come only from God. There it was…His love song for me. I was ready for the day.
Erin and I were warmly welcomed at the Legion Hall. There were lots of folks, families, friends, kids, plus an amazing potluck spread. It reminded me of how times used to be and still are in smaller towns as they all came together to celebrate Ralph’s life in Moses Lake. It was good to see his family and friends who had previously traveled to the memorial in Tucson. We also met some of those who hadn’t been able to come…Ralph’s grandparents.
We followed the Tucson eulogy as Ralph’s mother requested for the Moses Lake memorial. As before, Erin did a great job with the eulogy and video. For my part, I began again with an opening prayer, only this time I remembered to read the Ecclesiastes 3:1 scripture first. I recounted the story of Ralph’s single-handed movement of the full two-drawer file cabinet out of my garage. Yes, I included the time he saved me from having to deal with the smell of the exploded packrat. But most important of all, I didn’t leave out the word-for-word conversation of our pre-ordained driveway “accident”. I told them it was in response to what Ralph said about something being an accident and my soft reply that I didn’t believe in accidents that caused him to open up his concern that his loved ones were not going to be in heaven. In case you forgot, the following were the words of that driveway exchange when I said: ‘Ralph, do you believe in Jesus?’ And how he had not moved in his truck when he said firmly, ‘Yes, I do.’ My next words had been: ‘Do you believe He died for your sins?’ and Ralph affirmed, ‘Yes, I do.’ Every time I tell this story and to this day, I still can’t believe it!
In closing, as in Tucson, I sang the song Ralph had requested of me long ago. It was the same hymn he remembered hearing while in the Moses Lake church and the same one I sang at his Tucson memorial - “It is Well With My Soul”. Perfect!
As the memorial was winding down, and people were getting ready to go that the fulfillment of God’s Providential Plan and Purpose were revealed. Ralph’s grandma came up to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Thank you for telling us that about Ralph… We would have never known.’ HALLELUJAH and AMEN!
“All New Beyond the Clouds”
Reflections on These Golden Threads
Something To Think About...
At one of our Christmas present openings Ralph smiled when he opened a mailed gift box. When I asked him who it was from, he said, “My grandparents.” I think he had added almost shyly, “It’s a devotional book.” Seems I remember on other occasions he had received such gifts from them. Don’t you just know that Ralph’s grandparents faithfully prayed for him? I can see God’s hand in all the Providential happenings within the pages of the previous narrative. No coincidences there! It pointed to a God who worked it all to bless the faith of Ralph’s grandma and grandpa with the assurance of knowing Ralph was home, safe in the arms of his Savior.
Coincidence? Providence?
Remember the introductory sentences when I asked what you would say if I told you that I didn’t believe in coincidences? I’m wondering if after reading “About Ralph” you might have already been of my opinion or had you changed your mind? One way or the other? The following definitions might give some additional insight:
From Google (Oxford Languages)
Coincidence: a remarkable concurrence of events or circumstances without apparent causal connection.
Providence: Protective care, guidance often attributed to God or nature as a spiritual power.
From Google: The Key Difference Between Coincidence and Providence https://www.vocabulary.com
‘The core difference lies in the interpretation of causality and intent. For a coincidence, there is no underlying cause or meaning beyond chance. For providence, events are guided by a divine purpose and God’s active involvement in the world and individual lives.’
So…earlier I asked you if we were to count the coincidences (Can I call them “Providential Coincidences? Or, as in the narrative “Pre-Ordained Accidents”?). How many would we have come up with? Would we be close in number? Nowhere near it? Since I haven’t even attempted to try, I don’t have a clue…
My June 17, 2020, Text to Ralph (in an Undisclosed Location)
‘So, Ralph, seems I need to send this verse to you… From John 14:27 (KJV):
‘Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid’.
Ralph, I know you have been away from the Lord for a long time, but God always completes the work He has started.’
And As Paul declared,
‘He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.’ Philippians 1:16.
“Here Am I, Send Me” from Isaiah 6:8
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